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Thread: Joke thread

  1. #1121
    Senior Veteran Berlin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RicePaddyDaddy View Post

    Or OCS!

  2. #1122
    Buckshot's Avatar
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    It isn't a joke, it should be--

    Canada says due to climate change Santa moved to South Pole!
    "A Canadian government website claims that global warming is forcing Santa Claus to relocate his toy-making village to the South Pole."

    Current Temperature in various Canadian Province Capitals

    Winnipeg (-18)
    Saskatchewan (-28)
    Edmonton (-3)
    White Horse (-12)
    Yellow Knife (-33)

    I do see humor in this though

    BTW North Pole, Alaska is -13 (LOL). Been there, it will see -40 to -50 before winter is over.
    Last edited by Buckshot; 12-25-2017 at 09:21 AM.
    Occam's razor, the simplest explanation will be the most plausible

  3. #1123
    Senior Veteran Berlin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buckshot View Post
    It isn't a joke, it should be--

    Canada says due to climate change Santa moved to South Pole!
    "A Canadian government website claims that global warming is forcing Santa Claus to relocate his toy-making village to the South Pole."

    Current Temperature in various Canadian Province Capitals

    Winnipeg (-18)
    Saskatchewan (-28)
    Edmonton (-3)
    White Horse (-12)
    Yellow Knife (-33)

    I do see humor in this though
    You might be cold but St Nick is colder.

  4. #1124
    RicePaddyDaddy's Avatar
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    An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

    The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

    So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long aligator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

    Just as the alligator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

    One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

  5. #1125
    RicePaddyDaddy's Avatar
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    FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted! Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years... A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.. Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

  6. #1126
    RicePaddyDaddy's Avatar
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    The Prayers of Officers
    One day, three O-6s were hiking together and unexpectedly came upon a wide, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

    The Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
    POOF!
    God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across. It did, however, take him more than an hour and he almost drowned a couple of times.

    Seeing this, the Army Colonel played to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and tools to cross this river."
    POOF!
    God gave him a rowboat and oars. He was able to row across but it still took almost an hour, it was very rough, and he almost capsized several times.

    The Navy Captain saw how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, tools, and the intelligence to cross this river."
    POOF!
    God turned him into a Marine Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge

  7. #1127
    Senior Veteran Berlin's Avatar
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    I like it.

  8. #1128
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    That gets a blue ribbon right there!
    Lifelong vegetarian...by proxy.

  9. #1129
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    Nice,and true.
    14EH AIT Instructor-PATRIOT Fire Control Enhanced Operator/Maintainer

  10. #1130
    RicePaddyDaddy's Avatar
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    Seriously??? I can't go back to Wal-Mart!
    I just got this email from them... ,
    Dear Jerred W. Curtis,
    Over the past six months you have caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban you from the store. Complaints against you are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
    1. July 15: You took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
    2. August 2: You set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
    3. September 7: You made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the womens restroom.
    4. September 25: You went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
    5. October 14: You moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
    6. October 23: When a clerk asked if they could help you, you began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs where called..
    7. November 4: You looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while picking your nose.
    8. November 23: You darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
    9. December 2: You hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
    10. December 12: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, you assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! EMT's were called again..
    11. December 13: you went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

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